New Rock Paintings

 I don't know how to position photos!!!! In any case, I have made these the last number of days and I am on a rock maniac phase. I love painting rocks. Something inspires me and then I look through my rock collection and match a rock to my idea OR the rock gives me the idea or words.

I have been thinking about how much we know early on who we really are. The things we like or ideas or people we aspire to be, keep coming back over and over, and we have developed the ability to be that person or complete that idea. So cool. This is why friends are friends for life. We find each other THEN and often grow together.

Instructions for living a life:
Pay attention.
Be astonished.
Tell about it.

- Mary Oliver




I would love to live
Like a river flows,
Carried by the surprise
Of its own unfolding.

~ John O'Donohue~

The End and the Beginning

It is hard to determine an official end to my study because the truth is that it is only the beginning of a process, something that will continue forward for me. There will be an ebb and flow to the consistency of my meditation and art making practice, I am sure. But I now know that the value of both will be integrated into my life and way of knowing, that it wasn't before, even though, intuitively, I knew its value all along.

I guess life is like that. We have all these wonderful things constantly available to us, which are there and don't always appreciate. They are mostly things that are free....friends, family, vocation and avocation, places that are beautiful and comfort where we live. We always have the opportunity to stop and be in the moment, bow and be grateful.

Meditation - Pure and SImple

Last weekend I went on my meditation retreat at Insight Meditation Society in Barre, MA. I signed up for this retreat in September 2012, so must have had some intuition that it was the right time for me. I had been signed up previously to go to IMS but cancelled at the last minute, I think two summers ago.

I was very agitated when I arrived. It was the day that the city of Boston was in lockdown because of the young terrorist on the loose. I made the grave mistake of listening to news stations all the way up. I also think I was afraid that I would learn something about myself that I was, well, afraid of.

The experience of being on a silent meditation retreat was very interesting. We became silent after dinner on Friday night, and remained silent until Sunday at noon. All day Saturday was pretty grueling. We went from sitting meditation, to walking meditation, to dharma talks. The focus of the meditation was simple breath meditation, but then we added focusing on other things. Our teacher, Chaz, spoke about the focus of meditation being in the body sensations, so whether it is the breath, or your pain from sitting for so long. That it is the feeling of the present moment that we strive for, awareness of the present moment.

On Sunday morning during our morning talk, Chaz spoke about the fact that we were all probably anxious about going home, he suggested that we focus on home as our meditation object. That confused me a lot, because to me, home meant lots of things: my husband, the laundry, food for the week, the paper I needed to write. But the gist I got from that is that meditation isn't supposed to be an escape from anything, but a very honest and clear way of looking at it, from how it is at this moment to you.

I terms of my artwork, this idea made me think that meditation can affect my artwork as a source of better concentration, a clearer idea of who I am as an artist, and as a method of finding openness to what comes, perhaps with patience and flexibility. Not going into the past or future.

BUT I also thought of artwork as subject of meditation, which would answer my question about the making of process artwork, in the way that one will just put down colors and shapes that come directly from their meditative experience, and may represent the bubbling up of ancestral imagery or processing of unfinished business.

There was also a time on the weekend where we were doing walking meditation, and we were asked to switch between our senses, moving to seeing and hearing as we walked. One of the students mentioned that this was a powerful experience for her and that she was much more able to remain present incorporating the sense of sound. I also felt that sound was a very engaging sense for me.

So I think that if there were to be a conclusion, it is that there are many ways to initiate our being in the present moment, and that there is no end to the benefits that can provide for us. There are different types of meditation, and they will be different for all of us.

I do have to say that the next day, while teaching, I felt that my speech was more articulate, my voice was much more relaxed, and I even felt more at ease when doing Pilates with my class. My spine felt flexible and rolled smoothly. I was comfortable speaking about my experience to others, and was calm in doing so as well.

Today, a week later, I am struggling with feeling in the moment, and calm. I feel anxious and fearful about what lies ahead, and keep having to bring myself home to the present moment. But the truth is that I can, and I do. My mind goes there, as I have started to train it to do. It's really great.

Commercial Work

This is the kind of work I used to do a lot of back when I was in the illustration field full-time. This client was the one who enabled me to go to work full-time as a freelancer back in about 1985. And I am still working for them, only now, the next generation, which is my generation.

These labels are fun to do, as one could imagine, but I have been doing more and more commercial work lately, and am feeling the distance it takes me from what is satisfying and what comes out of me as an expression of self, what is more related to my meditation practice.

I have not had the chance lately to do personal artwork, and must get back to my farmer's market scene. That is very satisfying to me.

A few more miscellaneous images

 I have been writing the rough draft of this paper all day. I realize that so much of what I am writing, I mostly already know. My intuition about meditation was right, it is certainly something that I needed. It has given me a much better sense of myself, a little bubble around me. But not to protect me, but to make me a better person, who is more able to be compassionate, patient and understanding to myself and others.

As far as art-making, like Elizabeth Gilbert said, "...once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.” ~ Elizabeth Gilbert. Recognizing what about it makes you happy and keeping it up is the most important thing. It is so easy to get lost in other's judgments or opinions.

The top and bottom pieces here are a pieces I added to the aboriginal group designed for Keri. I did them over the last weekend we had school. I especially like the birds.

The middle piece I did yesterday and today. It is a watercolor quilt. I did it because I realized how meditative the use of pattern is, the repeating of shape and how the grouping makes a beautifully strong piece.

The repeating shapes or motifs in art is a metaphor for repeating a mantra or awareness practice. By sticking with it, doing it over and over, it will stick, and will change the world.

Get Back Up On That Horse

Last Tuesday I had a teacher job interview in Greenwich. There were 3 jobs available. The pay and benefits in Greenwich are good, and it is an appealing town to work in. But in all honesty, none of the positions were right for me. I spent a LOT of time and energy preparing. Putting portfolios together on the ipad, getting the right clothes, shoes, etc. The morning of the interview, the traffic was terrible, and I was slightly late. When I had the interview, I stumbled with my words, hesitated too much, and I felt it happening at the time.

Friday was the day I would have been notified if I had been chosen for round 2. No call. I was devastated. I know that it was "not meant to be"  and that there is something much better for me out there". It's so cliche but it's true! I went right from my sadness to the party for Martine, which was good to do but on Saturday morning I cried and cried. I am doing much better now, but it's been a challenge to let it go, these last few days.

My mind is in a creative place, I am thinking of other possibilities. What do I really want? I want to make artwork, and meditate. I want to share this experience of the joy of art making with others, kids and maybe adults too. This has been the best time, so healing, so self-affirming. So self-building. I am not sure that I want to teach small kids, but older kids, yes, and much more serious students. I want to be able to involve students with things outside of school, within the caring community, and within the art community. Maybe I don't want to be in a public school after all.