I was very agitated when I arrived. It was the day that the city of Boston was in lockdown because of the young terrorist on the loose. I made the grave mistake of listening to news stations all the way up. I also think I was afraid that I would learn something about myself that I was, well, afraid of.
The experience of being on a silent meditation retreat was very interesting. We became silent after dinner on Friday night, and remained silent until Sunday at noon. All day Saturday was pretty grueling. We went from sitting meditation, to walking meditation, to dharma talks. The focus of the meditation was simple breath meditation, but then we added focusing on other things. Our teacher, Chaz, spoke about the focus of meditation being in the body sensations, so whether it is the breath, or your pain from sitting for so long. That it is the feeling of the present moment that we strive for, awareness of the present moment.
On Sunday morning during our morning talk, Chaz spoke about the fact that we were all probably anxious about going home, he suggested that we focus on home as our meditation object. That confused me a lot, because to me, home meant lots of things: my husband, the laundry, food for the week, the paper I needed to write. But the gist I got from that is that meditation isn't supposed to be an escape from anything, but a very honest and clear way of looking at it, from how it is at this moment to you.
I terms of my artwork, this idea made me think that meditation can affect my artwork as a source of better concentration, a clearer idea of who I am as an artist, and as a method of finding openness to what comes, perhaps with patience and flexibility. Not going into the past or future.
BUT I also thought of artwork as subject of meditation, which would answer my question about the making of process artwork, in the way that one will just put down colors and shapes that come directly from their meditative experience, and may represent the bubbling up of ancestral imagery or processing of unfinished business.
There was also a time on the weekend where we were doing walking meditation, and we were asked to switch between our senses, moving to seeing and hearing as we walked. One of the students mentioned that this was a powerful experience for her and that she was much more able to remain present incorporating the sense of sound. I also felt that sound was a very engaging sense for me.
So I think that if there were to be a conclusion, it is that there are many ways to initiate our being in the present moment, and that there is no end to the benefits that can provide for us. There are different types of meditation, and they will be different for all of us.
I do have to say that the next day, while teaching, I felt that my speech was more articulate, my voice was much more relaxed, and I even felt more at ease when doing Pilates with my class. My spine felt flexible and rolled smoothly. I was comfortable speaking about my experience to others, and was calm in doing so as well.
Today, a week later, I am struggling with feeling in the moment, and calm. I feel anxious and fearful about what lies ahead, and keep having to bring myself home to the present moment. But the truth is that I can, and I do. My mind goes there, as I have started to train it to do. It's really great.
